Here we go again. I’m off on another international
adventure. This time, however, I am without my partner in crime. I am tackling
this part of the journey on my own, without Danielle. For too many reasons to
cover here, Danielle staying home is what makes the most sense for us right
now. And, for the record, we are good, perhaps better and stronger together
than we’ve ever been. Although, I know there are still those out there who
doubt this reality and question our decision to be apart.
Starting this journey alone has been harder than I expected.
I am reminded of just how difficult this lifestyle is, especially now that I am
going at it alone. I am reminded how hard it is to leave the comfort of -normal
life-, along with the support system that goes with it. Let’s be honest. Danielle
is not my partner in crime. She is my partner in life and the decision to spend
more than a year living half way across the world from her is not an easy one.
Similarly, it has not been easy to pick up and leave the support system of our
friends and family as we have moved around since we’ve been married.
These moves require us to step far outside the comfort of
the perceived -norm-. In doing so, we risk everything. We risk the stability of
consistent work and benefits, and all of the comforts that come with that
lifestyle. Perhaps most of all, we risk the perception of failure as we make
change after change. You see, for every decision we make that falls outside of
what is perceived as normal, the scrutiny to succeed seems to intensify. Many
may ask, “If it is so difficult, why do you do it? Why would you choose to
leave your friends and family behind to gallivant around the word if you don’t
like it?” The answer is simple. We do like it. In fact we love it. However,
these decisions don’t come without costs.
Every time we decide to make a change, move away, or to live
apart, we face countless challenges. There are the obvious challenges of
wondering when the next job will come, or if our savings will last long enough
to allow for the much-needed rest between jobs. There’s the difficulty of
living apart for extended periods of time. There’s also the difficulty of
living abroad and living within a different culture. These challenges are to be
expected and many may argue that some of these challenges are part of the
appeal. I would have to agree with this sentiment, at least in part. The other challenges
we face are less obvious and not often understood. One of these is guilt.
Over the past 8 years, since we moved away from -home- we, in
part or together, have missed no less than three weddings, nine births, four
deaths, and countless graduations, promotions, commencements and various other ceremonies
of growth and accomplishment. We’ve missed ball games, recitals, parties,
holidays and, most of all; we’ve lost valuable time with our loved ones. The
realization of these losses is where our guilt comes from. We will never be
able to get this time back and we feel guilty about it. This is why when we ARE
home, we do our best to see as many people as possible and spend as much quality
time with them as we can. We drive across town and across states in an effort
to maximize our time. Unfortunately, there is never enough time and we can never
spend enough time with everyone we want to. Sometimes we are reminded, not
always in a nice way, that we are not around enough and our decisions are
scrutinized. Again, the questions come; “If the lifestyle is hard, you feel
guilty about not being around, and admittedly you want to spend more time with
loved ones, why do you leave all of the time?”
The answer to this question is simple; we have edges. We
have edges that prevent us from comfortably fitting into to molds that are
created by others’ expectations. If you try and force a square peg into a round
hole, you will eventually get it to fit. With enough pressure and coercion, the
square peg will fit, but only after the corners are shaved off. The peg fits
now, but it is incomplete. Its edges, the things that make this peg unique, the
things that make this peg whole, are now gone. Yes, the peg now fits, but its
existence is now less than what it was intended to be. It was forced to fit
into a time and place where it cannot truly be whole. This is how I feel
Danielle and I are.
We have edges. Everyone has edges. When we are expected to
fit into places that do not allow us to keep our edges, we are not complete. We
are not able to feel fulfilled in the life we are living unless we are allowed
to keep our edges. All we have ever done was try and make the best decisions we
could for our lives with the information we have available at the time.
Often times, our decisions have been met with statements of
displeasure and, sometimes, downright anger. The hurtful statements that are
sometimes sent our way in an effort to express disapproval are confusing. It
seems that unless we stay right where others expect us to, and do exactly what
they expect us to do, we are somehow attacking them. I realize that often times
these hurtful statements come from a place of pain caused by us leaving and
they are not intended to hurt us. However, these statements still hurt,
nonetheless.
So, on the night before I left for the airport, as I lay in
Danielle’s arms sobbing more than I have in longer than I care to remember, all
of this guilt and fear came pouring out. I told her how scared I was to be
leaving on my own. When you leave on a strange adventure with your life partner,
all of the challenges you will face and all of the losses you may experience
seem a bit easier to endure, but this time I would go it alone. The idea of not
having her near by to lean on and to support me through all of the difficulty
and loss suddenly seemed harder than I ever thought it would be. The idea of
not being able to hold her, or to snuggle up with her and my dogs, made me want
to stop the sun from coming up the next day. Alas, the sun did come up and
Danielle took me to the airport. And, as I broke down in to tears again on the
drive to the airport, she helped me realize why everything will be OK, why it
always works out for us.
Danielle and I have edges and we want to keep our edges.
Acknowledging and embracing our edges is what makes us happy and fulfilled. We
have found that when we force ourselves into places that take our edges away,
we are not able to truly be happy. With this desire to be happy comes short and
long term goals. Sometimes, in order to achieve these goals, we make decisions
that often times do not fit into the -norm- of what others expect. In order to
keep our edges, we have to work outside of the boxes that society has set up
for us. These decisions are risky, they are difficult, and they come at a cost.
Danielle helped me remember that this is the best thing for us right now and we
have goals. We are constantly working towards these goals and as long as we
stay true to ourselves, we will always be OK.
Our efforts to remain who we are and to be happy sometimes
puts a strain on our relationships with others. Often times, it seems that others
are unable, or unwilling, to recognize that our decisions do not come from a
selfish place. These decisions truly come from a desire to remain true to our
selves. Unfortunately, we are sometimes attacked for this desire. If only
others knew the personal anguish we endure as a result of our own decisions.
Anyone who knows me will know that I am extremely hard on myself. I, like many
others, am my own worst critic. The guilt of missing important events in my
loved ones lives and the fear that the unspeakable could happen while I’m away
brings me to tears and gives me nightmares. After enduring all of this
self-imposed punishment, being tormented by others for my decisions just doesn’t
seem fair.
All I can hope is to do the best I can with what I have been
given in this life. I believe that staying true to myself, to the person my
loved ones helped create, and making the difficult decisions to live life to
the fullest is part of this. Another part is to encourage and help others not
to lose their edges. Too often I am witness to others having their edges shaved
off little by little over time by discouraging words, or hacked off in one fell
swoop by the disapproving and spiteful actions of others. In the end, isn’t it up
to each of us to support one another and provide encouragement so we can all keep
our edges? Undeniably, as we each strive to live in away that will allow us to
be happy, there will be conflicts and differences of opinion. Difficult
decisions, like the ones Danielle and I make, are not a personal attack on
others, but efforts to be the fullest, most complete humans we can be without
having our edges shaved down. Remembering this may help all of us support one
another as we all work to keep our edges.
I choose to keep my edges and to help promote others to keep
theirs. In doing so, I hope to honor each and every person in my life who has
influenced me to be the person I am. These are the friends and family that I
consider to be my loved ones. Some I have known for a lifetime and others for
only a fraction of that. However, all of my loved ones have contributed to the
person I am trying to become. I strive each day to improve on this person and I
can only hope that those who are close to me will be proud of my efforts, edges
and all.
